REPORT: 2016 Rough On All Souls

angry-cloudWORLDWIDE — A recent report shows that 2016 has been gruelling for everyone, dead or alive.

We spoke to Meredith (deceased), who said Halloween was particularly stressful this year. “I had to act overtly and gratuitously scary, even pandering to the media’s ‘ideal’ image of my kind. Fifty years ago, haunting was simple. But in recent years, mortals had access to a vast assortment of horrors, mostly in their day-to-day lives. 2016 has been rough on our entire community. I ran into Susan B. Anthony the other night, and she’s had to dig extra space in her grave to accommodate all the rolling. It’s really sad to see.”

Earlier this year, Ethan, eternally 20, died after Pokemon Go led him into oncoming traffic. “It sucks. I finally found something to be passionate about and it was taken away. I thought I’d catch ’em all before I croaked.” Ethan admits to being too discouraged to take care of unfinished business, let alone cross over. “Dude, what if it’s even worse than here?”

To determine whether this dispirited sentiment is echoed by the living, we spoke to a Millennial known as ‘Insane Clown Rossie’. “2016 has been a bad year for clowning”, he said, solemnly. Struggling with follow-through (a common modern affliction), Insane Clown Rossie is forced to work even harder to stay motivated. “Because of recent news reports, I can’t even leave my house without being accosted by cops. It’s really unfortunate, because I’ve put a lot of effort into my brand and these eyebrows are permanent. That’s what I get for finally committing to something, I guess.” Insane Clown Rossie hopes to attend at least one birthday party in 2017.

*

Update: Insane Clown Rossie finally left his grandmother’s basement and found solace in a local comedy troupe. After reading an online listing and mistaking the organization for a clown rehabilitation program, Ro$$ (as he has requested to be called thus forth) drastically altered his lifestyle and is currently on tour in the Netherlands. He has since performed at 11 birthday parties without incident.

There is hope for 2017.

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